Yes I know.......it is that mesmerizing in real life too.
Lil Man
“I think you’re pretty.”
How did that little sentence, that probably held little merit to him, make my heart swell. A declaration from my 14 year old son, and virtually out of no where. Lately I’ve only caught glimpses of the baby I used to chase around the house wanting nothing to do with wearing clothes. Now I see this man strolling around with a timbering voice and freshly shaven face, despite the fact that 3 chin hairs hardly warrant a shave, he does it diligently. Being the quiet one growing up with two vivacious, loud and oh-so dramatic women groomed him to be the ‘observer’. He is a people watcher to say the least. Keeping to himself he gauges a situation and then takes action. Now by no means is he without error but boy how he shines on a daily basis. Not many days go by where adults in our community don’t ask about him or praise him, from coaches to teachers to friends’ parents. He is in the middle of athletic seasons right now - a 3 month break between football and basketball and you would think Dr. Frankenstein replaced him with a robot just going through the motions waiting for life to get back on track. He is most definitely a creature of habit so 2 practices a day for him are more comfortable than nothing to do. When Anthony and I decided to take the huge step and move in together we were both a little worried how the youngest of our gang would handle it – and true to form my ‘spectator’ assessed the situation and moved forward without hesitation. He committed to being a part of something and gave heart and soul to success of our family, and although certain aspects of it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped I believe the 4 of us are stronger and inseparable. Anthony gives him the things I couldn’t, the things he needs to be healthy and strong. I taught myself everything about baseball so that when he talked I understood and gave feed back, I cant even begin to tell you the hours of
I must say Triston was only one of a couple kids on his competitive baseball team with just a mom cheering in the stands, travelling all over the state even across the U.S. for the Youth Baseball Induction into the Hall of Fame. But you’d never get a sense of loss from him. He has always been proud to have the loudest, most devoted cheerleader in the bleachers. Stepping aside has been a little tough for me, seeing Anthony down on the sidelines during the big games is a double edged sword, part of me doesn’t feel needed anymore but another part, the bigger part, is swimming in pride that my two most favorite men came together like they had always meant to be that way. So I remain in the stands, not quiet by any means, and glow with contentment on how things continually turn out. I know Triston is about to take us on the ride of our lives in all the things he will accomplish – Im just so very thankful I played a key part in the making of the man that just non-chalantly mentioned “I think you’re pretty”
Its what we do
Every Mother, new, old or soon to be needs to read this.
If you truly understand this book you know what it is to be a mother.
And that giving until we have nothing left no matter the gratitude
Is what we do.
Read it again or for the first time, then call your mother and thank her.
This post is for Jean, my mother, my own giving tree.
Mirror Mirror on the wall . . . . . . . .
Ah the days of youthful skin and sparkly eyes are becoming just a memory. I say this because of the picture I was greeted with upon entering my office this morning, my dear friend is like a cosmetic dermatologists fantasy, if it lays claim to completely transforming the image the good lord gave you – she’s in! I walked past her office to see Quasimodo staring back at me, you know, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Apparently some intelligent person spotted her from a mile away and knew they could convince this 30 year old beauty that the years of indoor tanning had finally gotten to her and what better way to repair those years of damage then to literally burn off the first 15 layers of skin which in turn would traumatize her skin into regenerating new skin. Now while this all sounds medically possible I have to ask – does that hurt? Could it go terribly wrong and leave me looking freakish? What if my body doesn’t want to make new skin, will my dreams of a face like a baby’s ass be in vain? What if he slips and burns off some hair? How exactly do you exfoliate 15 layers of freshly charred skin? Does it smell? All questions I promptly asked once I gathered up the remnants of my purse that had scattered all over the floor after my initial shock. It appeared ‘grid-like’ as if she was literally lowered into a vat of hot oil in a fry basket. Her left eye had some serious swelling (thus the Quasimodo comment) and aside from the thick smear of lidocane petroleum it just looked painful. So now that the visual is set I asked the question I think a lot of us are wondering . . . . . why? After friendly badgering she admitted she must get ready in a total different image depicting mirror than the rest of the world, she honestly doesn’t see the beautiful creature I met 7 years ago. All seriousness aside because I don’t want this to be a serious post, I think she will think twice about future charring sessions. All this did bring to mind – skin care. Or lack there of in my case, did you know sleeping in your days makeup (fake eyelashes and all) isn’t really recommended? I know I just found out myself, ok ok that is a lie I may have heard somewhere along the way that washing your face nightly before bed will keep your face fresh and young – oddly enough I think it was “Quasimodo” that told me that, hmmm go figure. Anyhow, I decided to research different face regimens and serums for taking care of my mid-thirties mug. It really all just boils down to moisture people! There is no such treatment to shrink pores or open them all we can do is diminish the signs of them…… what is this some smoke and mirrors circus act?!? Its probably in their 30’s the rest of the world as well decides to do something to miraculously change the neglect placed upon our bodies years prior to that moment. I however would just like to slow it way down…..way down. As I think this I look at my reflection across the room – I earned every god damn wrinkle and scar! My whole character is wrapped up in my laugh lines and forehead creases! Then it hits me as I scroll past another tutorial on youtube “How to change the pigment in your face” Your eyes! That’s where you hold the ability to mesmerize or dissuade if you will. And not just the physical proportions of your eyes but the actual eyes, are they sparkly, soft, open? Or are they hard, biting and condescending? I am proud to say my face says Im young, it says Im happy, and it says my adventure is still in full tilt! My daughter goes in for her 5th tattoo today – all I can say is there is a girl with eyes full of life and adventure – she has seen her share of things but none of those things have made any impact on those baby blues!
Rantings of a Big Girl
Surprise surprise I have started a quest to get in shape AGAIN. Despite the fact the love of my life adores the way I look – isn’t that what all women say when they start to commit to loosing years of fat, “my husband loves me for who I am” or my favorite line “Im doing this for me, and a healthy lifestyle” lets be honest here no one goes on a diet or starts a workout routine for those reasons, we do it because we want to look smoking hot if the need ever arises for us to strip down to our panties in a public place – believe me it happens – I wont sugar coat this and lay claim to a better lifestyle for the right reasons it just so happens that in order for me to look smoking hot in my panties I need to exercise and stop eating the buffet of crap I normally do, which in turn will make me healthier right? So now how do I stop dreaming of lemon cupcakes and dancing French fries? When do those fun little endorphins kick in and tell me all the work and strict eating isn’t so bad? I guess the way I carry myself has always been a plus for me (no pun intended) I have never found plus size women unattractive AS LONG AS THEY DO IT RIGHT. Accessories, wardrobe and attitude make all the difference! I have felt my sexiest at 200+ pounds in the right outfit! But my excuses for not being successful with a lifelong battle with weight are dwindling. My office is above a state of the art gym, I don’t have ‘babies’ that need me at night, I have a career that I basically decide my schedule-and my husband is a certified trainer! So here we go. Im starting with 12 weeks of 60 minute cardio six days a week – and 1200 calories a day, yeah I know, close your mouth its not fun. Followed up with 8 weeks of cardio AND weight training. So 20 weeks from now you better be able to bounce a quarter off my ass that will projectile at the speed of light, or you are going to see one angry woman! The turning point I guess is when I went tanning about a month ago and once I finished stood up and looked in the mirror only to see my sides were still pale – oh that’s because they hung off the side of the tanning bed- ok ok maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration but close. Anthony and I have so much time where its just the two of us at the house now that we have started a new hobby “NUDITY” I love it! I love not wearing clothes and doing housework, or cooking, or watching tv – it is so liberating, the only thing I would love more is seeing my pubic bone – mock if you will but did you even know we have a bone there (skinny bitches don’t say a word) I just want to look down and see the contours of where my lower abdomen blends into hips and thighs, and not have a large shaded area where my belly hangs over the top of my panties! Shocking how I depict myself I know, I just think I confuse people often times with my self ridicule, you would think I am miserable but truthfully I’m not – if I was told I will never be thinner, never have a smooth hard abdomen I don’t think I would be too broke up about it. HOWEVER, living in a small town with limited access to shopping and being a stylish “bigger” woman proves near impossible. The misconception I believe starts with clothing designers assuming if its over a size 10 the wearer of said garment doesn’t want a lot of skin showing – FALSE – maybe not one of my most tasteful declarations but there it is! I have a man that loves my skin, my curves and my femininity so why on earth would I attempt to hide it from him? So another reason behind my new ‘smoking hot in panties’ persona is shopping. I love clothes I mean love love love clothes. Its like heroin for my soul. Without the crazy withdrawals and bad stigma of being the strung out junkie…..well you know what I mean. It is in my very heart to design clothes for bigger women, not the moo-moo sector of bigger women, they are miserable in their own skin and wouldn’t know what to do with a pencil skirt and low cut blouse. I would create clothes for strong confident take over the world in 3” heels woman. Business attire, lingerie, swim wear shoes – I mean the possibilities are endless and lets face it size 12+ is the average woman ( but don’t tell my best friend that who is rocking a chiseled size 6 body – she would be devastated ) if every plus size woman realized for every thin, gorgeous in tight jeans woman out there, there are 5 plus sized beauties elbowing their way into the spotlight, and guess what nine times out of ten when they get there they realize the spotlight is lame and fictitious its really just the glare off some self absorbed jackass’ belt buckle who has no self worth and realizes he couldn’t handle a strong woman in the first place, ouch that sounded bitter, but true. I thank my stars every day that I never had to raise a daughter with my shape (my baby girl is one of the skinny lovelies ) I mean young women are basically brainwashed into believing death is better than to be ‘bigger’.
I tell my Anthony once we have made our millions Im going to throw myself into fashion, no matter my pant size, because remember this whole post started with my quest to get a tight ass. Which I think needs to be explained - tight isn’t always little (Jenifer Lopez, Beyonce Knowles, Kim Kardashian) curves define the female ora how can we defy nature and get rid of the few gifts only we possess! Tightening them up is another story entirely, one that I will definitely keep you posted on.
Another Milestone
So I just celebrated my baby girl’s 18th birthday on Tuesday and let me tell you I was a hot mess! I had a whirlwind of emotions pick me up and drag me around then un-gingerly drop me at a table of 20 friends and family sharing dinner with the birthday girl, the majority of people around her played a huge part in the woman she is today. And I think we both recognized that as we looked around, I have never met another person in the world like Jori. She is so full of life and fearless abandon, my toast at dinner probably summed up my cluster of feelings I experienced through the day
“Jori, you are an amazing person and I couldn’t have picked a more perfect person to grow up with”
I’ll be honest I love flare and drama…… so when I heard the little quivery sniffle from my mother sitting next to me I knew I nailed it. I had summed up 18 years of “Mom, Jori super glued my armpit shut” to “I just need to leave Mom, I need to see the world, I want to live in a city, chase after a bus, sleep in a park and paint everything and everyone and he is wanting to share that with me” being so young when I had her I have to tell you for awhile there I did buy into the whole “teenage mother catastrophe” ruining lives and taking names. I assumed every negative thing people said about the situation held some merit, but truth be told looking at the beautiful woman across the table we proved everyone wrong. She is brilliant, charismatic, unique and giving. The best part is I can take credit for a bit of it, as can the woman sitting next to me, her Nana. Three of us, with help from so many, accomplished that goal we had when the doctor introduced us all that night in January 18 years earlier. It would be impossible to catalogue every life altering moment Jori gave me but I wouldn’t change a single one. So in the midst of my brother swearing and mocking the waiter, Triston shocking his Nana with horrid graphic video on his cell phone I shared a moment with my daughter, we both understood what it took to get to where we were, and that although the getting there was unforgettable the fact that we were there held pride in itself.
The beginning
I have always loved writing, story telling, and all around entertaining people. When I was younger and full of crazy ideas about life I had dreams of being an author, even went so far as submitting bits and pieces here and there always getting rave reviews - then life snuck up behind me. Not the poetic dance into the room "sneak up" behind you cliche most women write of, but the "kick the door in-grab you by your unmentionables-and haul you off" type. I wish I could drool out some long heart wrenching ready for t.v. depiction of a tattered home and void childhood but I cant. I have been on an amazing adventure for 33 years! Dont get me wrong, I was raised in a home that made reality t.v. shows look bland, however I did have one small secret weapon the rest of the world I believe didn't - my Mother. She was a fiery, intelligent, down to earth, aggressive, un-suckerable woman that did things her way, never faltering from the one key to life WORK HARD AND ENJOY IT! Most days directly after I thank her for the qualities I inherited I curse her for my flaws. I have tremendous anxiety, high expectations of everyone around me, and a strive for perfection that keeps me up most nights. Settling for "ok" or "almost there" has never been an option - what I have found after years of trial and error is its in the mistakes made and lack of perfection that all of my best moments come from. This last year I have learned to step back and look at my world and guess what...... having a dirty house didnt create a wrinkle in the fabric of all mankind, or the fact that wearing black shoes with a brown hand bag did not get me stoned by the masses in front of Wal-Mart. The purpose of this blog is to share my wild life with everyone that thought their lives were irreparable, not good enough, trying, failsafe, or just down right unacceptable - so that they understand the lessons in life do not amount to wisdom, yet of scar tissue and callus. We have to laugh at ourselves and each other, we have to embrace the imperfections and struggles because lets be honest thats all we have. For everyone else that has conquered perfection and lives a struggle-less life: you have no business here, unless of course your checking my grammar and mutilation of the English language then by all means carry on! The rest of us are going to enjoy some laughs, some shock, some tears and most definitely walk away thinking this woman is livin the dream!
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